So I did the worst thing you can do when you start a project. I forgot about it.
The drag show went amazingly. I made a few people jealous and gained a girlfriend. Now forgive me for not being linear.
The whole girlfriend, lesbian, genderqueer thing. It's such a confusing thing for me. Labels suck anyway, but they are so important to this world. I was earning myself $15 today by filling out a trans health survery. It was funny because I did not really have anything of value to contribute, because being young, not out, and still under the health-insurance wing of my parents, I have had little to no medical harassment. I know that maybe, one day, if I ever get the guts to come out and do something along the lines of transitioning (not saying that I want to, I have not figured that out yet) I will face it. Anyway, after I filled that out and felt kind of silly because they did not want to hear my side of it, I was reminded that I have to go to the dentist, and last time I went to the dentist, he came in the room, thought I was a boy, and then looked at my chart and it was awkward. Of course he kept making comments about how pretty I was the rest of the time.
Wait, that's not where I was going with this. Where Iwas going with this was, at the beginning of the survery it asked me how I identified in the gender spectrum. I clicked "Gender queer." Then, it asked me my sexual orientation, and out of habit, I clicked "Lesbian." Those are two very conflicting statements, and there was also a day when I would have fought to never identify as a lesbian. In fact, I changed my answer to just plain queer because my motto is "Odd as in Queer." The fact of the matter is that no matter how I see myself inside, because I'm not out about it, the world percieves me as a lesbian...so why not just tell the world that is what I am?
At DC Pride I bought a shirt that says LGBT on it and then under that it says "Ask me which."
Anyway, I already wrote about labels once, I do not need to go on another rant about that.
By the way, I love my girlfriend. Yeah, the one I got at the Drag Ball. Well, I found her a little before. Probably right when I wrote the last post; then she took over my life and I forgot everything. Haha, no, that is not what happened. Close enough though. Anyway, about a month into the relationship, I came out to her and she was awesome about it. I suppose it helps that her mother performed sociological gender experiments on her as a child. Wow, that sounds a lot worse than it really is. The point is, she is awesome and supportive and I could not be more thankful for having that in my life.
I have been reading a lot lately. I read Genderqueer which was an amazing book. I definitely recommend it. Now I am reading The Riddle of Gender which is right up my IB brainwashed alley. It's all science and history, whereas Genderqueer is more anecdotes and "Wow, I don't feel alone anymore" stories. These have really been making me think and making me have lots of conflict in my mind. Do I come out? Do I change my name? Do I want to transition? If I do, how far? Do I only want to do it to get out of the awkward situations? Wouldn't I suck as a boy anyway?
I had a dream last night that I had surgery but not really; I was awake and I just had my ears pierced, but it magically made me into a boy. Not really that either, but I went in the men's room and then the guy in there wasn't like "Get out of here." Now that my dreams are hopping onto the gender identity conflict bandwagon, I imagine I will have to do something soon.
"Don't suppose I'll never know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll just live around it"