3.31.2009

My Gender Lineage

Introduction: Born Female.
Scene 1: As I am tying my Little Mermaid shoes, I ask "Mom, did you ever want to be a boy?" The answer: No.
Scene 2: Temporarily crippled by a drunk driver at four, the same girls who wouldn't let me play daddy in house gather behind my tiny wheelchair and we chase the boys.
Scene 3: My friend convinces me to play pregnant bunnies. I feel physically ill while I shove ten pink stuffed rabbits up my shirt.
Scene 4: I marvel at Mary Frances' amazing breasts held back by only her white sports bra as she changes in my room. I am dreading the day mine appear.
Scene 5: I convince my mom to buy me boy shorts to conform to the school dress code. This my first step towards freedom.
Scene 6: My heart is broken when my first girl love tells me I cannot comfort her because I am not a boy.
Scene 7: I explore my boyfriend's body, intrigued, only to figure out years later, I was envious, only to figure out years later that it didn't invalidate my attraction.
Scene 8: I try my hand as a butch top. No success.
Scene 9: I find the girl of my dreams. I confess to her that I have too much gender. That's okay, she says, I have too little.
Scene 10: We have found a third. We marvel at each other's duct taped chests while the first watches feeling like we are finally right together.
Scene 11: The third leaves, breaking both of our hearts, but not after setting the wheels of gender turning in my head. I decide to try my hand at male. Success.
Scene 12: I come out to my parents. I stammer as I try to explain trans to my father. "I am a guy" is a lie, but that is what he understands. A week later, I baffle my mother by coming home wearing eyeliner.

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Written in a Gender Theory workshop with the Salt Lines Tour.

3.05.2009

Originally Written 2.17.04

I thought I'd put something in here about when I first started figuring out my gender problems. As you'll see, I've come a long way:


So, for all the world to see, I'm griping around with gender issues. And, quite frankly, I wish I weren't. Because, like everything else that involves me, it's not simple. I would be fine if I came to a realization that maybe I was transgender. I mean, as fine as...well, you get my point.

However, I think, that when it comes to that, just like everything else, I'm stuck in the middle.

I've always had this uncomfortableness with my body. But it wasn't enough to send up any red flags in my head or anything. When I was little, I played the Dad in house, but mainly because he went to work and came home and didn't do much. The mom had to cook and clean. And the kids had to be all baby-like, and I was taller than most the kids anyway. It wasn't an issue of me wanting to be a guy. Going through puberty - what girl doesn't wish she was dealing with random erections instead of monthly bleeding and cramping?

I came to terms with my sexuality at the end of 9th grade. And the discomfort with my body lessened greatly. Mainly because it explained how I could look in the mirror and think that I was sexy in the way that I saw it. That if I saw myself on the street, I would go "Wow, she is hot."

That was all fine until I got involved with Jim. I'm just generally uncomfortable with myself - not the situation - when things get intimate. Something about me just feels...off. And it was a bit of a hurdle. And Jim is just amazing to deal with it, because it still comes up occasionally.

Maybe I would feel more comfortable in my body, were I a guy. But honestly, I don't think so. Emotionally and mentally, I am very female. So why is that a problem? Were I a guy, wouldn't I be saying "Well, I feel like a guy, but I'm emotionally a girl, so where does that put me?"

Where does that put me?