3.31.2009

My Gender Lineage

Introduction: Born Female.
Scene 1: As I am tying my Little Mermaid shoes, I ask "Mom, did you ever want to be a boy?" The answer: No.
Scene 2: Temporarily crippled by a drunk driver at four, the same girls who wouldn't let me play daddy in house gather behind my tiny wheelchair and we chase the boys.
Scene 3: My friend convinces me to play pregnant bunnies. I feel physically ill while I shove ten pink stuffed rabbits up my shirt.
Scene 4: I marvel at Mary Frances' amazing breasts held back by only her white sports bra as she changes in my room. I am dreading the day mine appear.
Scene 5: I convince my mom to buy me boy shorts to conform to the school dress code. This my first step towards freedom.
Scene 6: My heart is broken when my first girl love tells me I cannot comfort her because I am not a boy.
Scene 7: I explore my boyfriend's body, intrigued, only to figure out years later, I was envious, only to figure out years later that it didn't invalidate my attraction.
Scene 8: I try my hand as a butch top. No success.
Scene 9: I find the girl of my dreams. I confess to her that I have too much gender. That's okay, she says, I have too little.
Scene 10: We have found a third. We marvel at each other's duct taped chests while the first watches feeling like we are finally right together.
Scene 11: The third leaves, breaking both of our hearts, but not after setting the wheels of gender turning in my head. I decide to try my hand at male. Success.
Scene 12: I come out to my parents. I stammer as I try to explain trans to my father. "I am a guy" is a lie, but that is what he understands. A week later, I baffle my mother by coming home wearing eyeliner.

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Written in a Gender Theory workshop with the Salt Lines Tour.

1 comment:

Cassie said...

I should pay more attention to my messages in Facebook because this sounds like it was a great experience. I couldnt go to the show X_X