9.29.2005

Labels

Ah labels, you truly are the bane of all of our existences.

It seems that as a whole, we are all constantly trying to find the right lables to fit into while denouncing them completely. So much of what we do is based on our identites. Because I often identify as "gay" and more recently as a "lesbian" (even though I will continue to hate labeling myself as so, I will also slowly get used to it), I am and was involved in many activities that revolved around that identity. I was the president of my school's Gay-Straight Aliance, I did outreach work with NOVAM geared towards gay youth, now I am a memeber of Queer Action at my school.

Even male and female are labels that are created for us to fit into. I played on a girl's soccer team (and enjoyed it very much, thank you; once again, something I'll go into later). I was in the girl scouts. I live in a dorm with other girls. I'm not allowed to interrupt on my guy friends' "guy time." When I played sports in PE, the guys didn't want to pass to me. My mother expects me to want to wear dresses, women's clothes and shoes, and feel like I belong in them. When I perform in my upcoming concerts, I won't be expected to wear a coat and tie.

Transgender and Gender Queer are just more lables. More of us using one or two word phrases to explain to the world what we are. They don't do anyone justice, no one fits exactly into them. Yet we continue to use them.

I mentioned in my last post that I respond "no" when people ask if I'm transgender. It's not that I don't think I am, because it's certainly something I could choose to identify as. Transgender is a huge umbrella term that includes very many things. Gender Queer is an even larger umbrella term. I like it more because, I think, it is a term that is used less often. The common world associates transgendered people with the only ones (they think) they know which are the ones on Oprah or the Discovery Channel and the phrase "Man/Womand trapped in a woman's/man's body" is what comes to mind. There's a lot I like about my body, I am by no means trapped in the wrong one. I would feel just as awkward in life, I think, in a male body.

And that is what is hard to explain. To a world that sees everything in black and white, being a shade of grey is incomprehensible.

"I'm becoming this, All I want to do,
Is be more like me, and less like you"

9.28.2005

Beginnings Pt. II

Let me tell you a little more about myself. This is all stream of consciousness, with the only editing done in cases of extreme incoherence, misspellings, or missing/extra words, punctuation, etc.

Maybe I would start from the beginning, tell my childhood, but I don't feel like that right now and maybe it's not the place to start. I think the best place to start is to tell you where I am right now.

So where am I? Mostly struggling for a sense of identity. A way to function in society fairly normally without alienating myself completely. Here in the college world, it's a lot easier than the rest of the world. I fear the day that I get thrown into the real world.

If put on the spot and asked if I'm transgender (which has happened on several occasions, before I even began considering my gender identity), I say no. I don't know if it's true, a defense mechanism, or a lack of wanting to explain myself.

No. I do not want to identify as male.

However.

No. I do not want to identify as female. But I do, because biologically I am.

Which gender specific pronouns do I want people to use? I think that I could care less. I hear them either way. I don't know if you can imagine, but anytime someone uses a gender specific pronoun in relation to me, it catches my ear. It doesn't matter that I've been hearing "her" and "she" my whole life. Just as much, I don't turn around when people call me "sir." That, I think, is because I'm not used to it. However, for a while, very few people who I didn't know yet had to interact with always called me "sir" and now when someone addresses me directly as "ma'am," it catches me completely off guard.

Which gender specific pronouns do I want people to use? I think I could care less, but I also think that I like hearing the male pronouns more. I don't know if it's because that's what's different or if it's really what I want people to use.

I know that I like being percieved as male. I know that I hate when people try to reassure me that I look feminine. I know I look feminine, that's what a lack of testosterone does to my features. I don't get mad at him or her (but it's usually a her) because I know that they think that I feel 100% female.

Why do they think this? I act like it. Besides the times when I start acting like a tomcat fighting over turf, I am really, really girly. I think this is my biggest struggle. It's hard to want to be percieved as male and still act girly. It's what feels natural to me. Maybe I'm part gay man, except I don't like men. Well, I do, but I'll go into that another time.

My self identity is full of maybes. Maybe I'm this. Maybe I'm that. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm me.

That seems like an appropriate stopping point.

"I'm waiting for a sign,
I've gotta leave this place behind,
Where no one knows my name.

Beginnings

The title of this blog comes from a Dream Theater song, "As I Am." I have often felt that this song describes my attitude towards life when it comes to Gender Queer issues.

This is kind of a "Been there, done that" blog for me. Four years ago, or sometime around there, I started a "secret" Teen Open Diary account when I realized that I liked girls, one girl in particular, and used it both to post some intelligent musings, but also to post my fears, and my bad poetry.

I don't have any bad poetry this time around. I just felt like I needed an outlet other than my LiveJournal. You see, it always feels really risky when I don't let all my friends see my posts. I'm afraid that one that knows another might say "Hey, did you read what AM wrote?" (Yes, I revert back to my age old pseudonym...not that it isn't widely recognized or anything) and the other person will go "No, what?" and then check and realize that I did not trust them enough or want them knowing what I wrote. I think it has happened once, but it was an odd circumstance.

Also, I wanted to maybe embed search engine stuff into the template so that other people who maybe wanted to read someone's musings on being Gender Queer could read. Maybe I give myself too much credit, but as far as I can see, there is not a resource out there like this.

So today I being my journey, at least for the time being, and don't ever expect this to be coherent or anything of that sort. Only my thoughts, how I feel, and my experiences.

"To those who understand: I extend my hand,
To the doubtful I demand: Take me as I am."