9.28.2005

Beginnings Pt. II

Let me tell you a little more about myself. This is all stream of consciousness, with the only editing done in cases of extreme incoherence, misspellings, or missing/extra words, punctuation, etc.

Maybe I would start from the beginning, tell my childhood, but I don't feel like that right now and maybe it's not the place to start. I think the best place to start is to tell you where I am right now.

So where am I? Mostly struggling for a sense of identity. A way to function in society fairly normally without alienating myself completely. Here in the college world, it's a lot easier than the rest of the world. I fear the day that I get thrown into the real world.

If put on the spot and asked if I'm transgender (which has happened on several occasions, before I even began considering my gender identity), I say no. I don't know if it's true, a defense mechanism, or a lack of wanting to explain myself.

No. I do not want to identify as male.

However.

No. I do not want to identify as female. But I do, because biologically I am.

Which gender specific pronouns do I want people to use? I think that I could care less. I hear them either way. I don't know if you can imagine, but anytime someone uses a gender specific pronoun in relation to me, it catches my ear. It doesn't matter that I've been hearing "her" and "she" my whole life. Just as much, I don't turn around when people call me "sir." That, I think, is because I'm not used to it. However, for a while, very few people who I didn't know yet had to interact with always called me "sir" and now when someone addresses me directly as "ma'am," it catches me completely off guard.

Which gender specific pronouns do I want people to use? I think I could care less, but I also think that I like hearing the male pronouns more. I don't know if it's because that's what's different or if it's really what I want people to use.

I know that I like being percieved as male. I know that I hate when people try to reassure me that I look feminine. I know I look feminine, that's what a lack of testosterone does to my features. I don't get mad at him or her (but it's usually a her) because I know that they think that I feel 100% female.

Why do they think this? I act like it. Besides the times when I start acting like a tomcat fighting over turf, I am really, really girly. I think this is my biggest struggle. It's hard to want to be percieved as male and still act girly. It's what feels natural to me. Maybe I'm part gay man, except I don't like men. Well, I do, but I'll go into that another time.

My self identity is full of maybes. Maybe I'm this. Maybe I'm that. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm me.

That seems like an appropriate stopping point.

"I'm waiting for a sign,
I've gotta leave this place behind,
Where no one knows my name.

1 comment:

Amy said...

"Transgender as "in between"
Transgender is sometimes also used specifically in an "in-between" sense, rather than as an umbrella term.
A newer related term is "genderqueer", which refers to the mixing of qualities traditionally associated with "male" and "female," and can also refer to the "in-between" sense sometimes associated with transgender or transgenderism." - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

It's just a term... a label... love you my sexy androgynous friend.